The Fog Remake

Okay, after seeing the Fog remake in theatres & getting the DVD, I figured I better start with my abridged review.

…Then I thought, “No, they deserve to hear my unadulterated opinion.” You lucky, lucky, lucky bastards!!

Right off the bat, let me say that this DVD is indeed worth seeing. It does a WAY better job of being both scary and intriguing in it’s own right. It’s a great tale of vengeful ghosts, just as the first one was, and there is a great sympathetic element for the ghosts themselves, so you honestly don’t know who to root for as the killing is happening.

The basic elements between the original and the remake are the same: Antonia Bay (It’s Antonia Island in the remake) Stevie Wayne, the sexy female in the lighthouse (played by Selma Blair, who is easily the American Reply to Asia Argento…Sorry Faltraz!) The fateful crew of the “Seagrass” fishing boat, and the ghost ship “Elizabeth Dane”, with her pissed off passengers. And of course, one helluva persistent fog bank. Either that, or the movie is filmed backstage at a Led Zeppelin reunion.

The story structure itself is pretty much identical in the remake…the 100 year anniversary of the founding of Antonia Island, a big celebration is planned, and the city was built by gold stolen, by the founding fathers who are currently being celebrated, from a shipload of lepers who want to settle up the coast. The plot has much more pace to it than the original, and is easier to follow as well. We get the mystery unraveled to us in digestible pieces rather than one long reading of the ancient textbook in a church. The ghosts are much scarier, much faster, and much more plentiful. Instead of seasoned fisherman, the crew of the Seagrass are some partying kids who get jumped by the fog. The death scenes are great, and the discovery of the bodies is gross. The tale of the leper betrayal (told in a series of flashbacks) is fantastic, and the lepers are fucking UGLY. This is a great plot twist, and gives a good setup for all the deaths taken in revenge. Watch for the town mayor squaring off with the Blake ghost! The rolls this guy’s stuntman had to do must have thrown his back out for a month!! There are a couple of pretty harrowing car accidents, and some VERY grabbing supernatural elements. Watch for the little boy on the beach watching the old man pull in a rope!! This scene alone was worth the price of admission, and the fog chase with the kid up the beach is great.

Now that I have the best parts out of my system…

I was mildly disappointed with this film as well. I always loved the original “Fog”, and I always thought that, if a remake was done, there were so many opportunities to make a better film, if they stuck true to the original story. Again, for the most part, they have. I repeat, this movie is great. HOWEVER, if you are a big fan of the original, big enough for the details to make a difference (guilty!) then you will find the discrepancies REALLY annoying.

First off: My biggest problem with scary flicks these days is the plethora of “young horror” that is plaguing the studios. Is it just me, or does every new slasher/ghost/gore film have to have a hot blonde whose main purpose in life is to make us think all women just love giving blowjobs, a young stud who couldn’t spell his own name without a hint, and a streetwise black guy who spouts moronic one liners seconds before he shoots something or is shot/eaten alive himself? Jesus Christ, WHO THINKS OF THESE THINGS? Is there someone at Universal who can’t look up from between toots of coke long enough to proofread one damn script coming out of his studio? Using older actors gives a film believability, no matter what the story line. Yes it’s cool that a kid barely 22 years old (and looks it!) Is the captain/owner of the Seagrass, and his first mate is a badass rap video/inner city gangsta, but I just don’t buy it for a damn SECOND. Anybody who has been on a boat knows that they don’t just turn anything larger than a rowboat over to someone under 30!! Neither the captain nor his “homie” seem to know what they’re doing on the boat, and look as ill at ease in the water as they obviously feel. Tom Atkins was great in the original, he both LOOKED and ACTED like he knew what he was doing. His presence alone was believable. More than half of the main cast in the remake are between 20 – 25, and it’s hard to believe they have any real “authority” in town. In my opinion, the only things teenagers are good for in horror movies is to provide good sex fodder & good hook/machete targets. Leave the tricky Shakespearian dialogue to the pros, wouldya?

The second point was the plot holes the size of a small continent. In the original, the Fog & it’s collected poltergeist are subject to various laws of TIME CONSTRAINTS. They have ONE HOUR on the previous night to frolic, and all night on the actual anniversary to par-tay on down. In the remake, they are given none of this, ALTHOUGH THEY REACT THE SAME WAY. At the striking of 1:00, the ghosts withdraw from the island but we are not given a reason why…ever! They just vanish, almost as if they were…mist.

Lastly, the “changes” to the original scenes in a brilliantly moronic attempt to streamline the whole movie. I would like to say something to the director of the “Dawn of the Dead” remake, the director of “The Fog” remake, and anybody else with the bright idea to go back to a beloved horror classic and subsequently fuck with it. Since you power-mad ass monkeys are directors, I’m going to use language even a savagely gored rodeo clown could follow: IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT, YOU NEARSIGHTED BASTARDS!!!

One of the coolest parts of the original (to me, feel free to disagree with me here) was when Stevie Wayne was shouting directions about the fog to the listeners from the lighthouse, and sort of working to save the town from her radio station. The remake has her screaming for someone to save her son, & then she bolts, only to get sideswiped in her car & tossed into the drink. As opposed to the usual “dying of hypothermia in a few minutes like normal human beings” that we are exposed to in the real world, she somehow survives the crash, the freezing water, two demons and the fog itself to miraculously find her way to her child on a deserted street.

The original Stevie also gets a cool supernatural message when her piece of driftwood catches fire and says “Six Must Die” right after a ghostly voice damns Antonia Bay for it’s betrayal. Well, you still get the fire, you still get the message, but it’s a pictogram puzzle that Stevie never discovers the purpose of, or goes back to…It’s being solved by a hot blonde on the other side of town! Why tell Stevie in the first place?

The ending monologue in the original was better, and they should have stuck closer to it. Adrienne Barbeau (the original Stevie Wayne) gave a good ending and a warning to close the film, tying in with her job as the only DJ in town by saying “To those that can hear my voice, look out across the water. Look out for the Fog” Selma Blair simply says “They always come back”, and doesn’t deliver nearly as much threat to it as Adrienne.

Selma Blair isn’t to blame for this, by the way. Her part is badly written in the remake, and even under these circumstances she acts circles around the rest of her cast. Stevie Wayne is probably one of the most believable characters in the remake. I’m waiting for her to go A list, but until then, this is some fine work by her.

Father Malone, one of the strongest characters in the original, was reduced to a brimstone-spewing drunken idiot who couldn’t find his own ass with both hands and a flashlight in the remake. He doesn’t really serve a purpose, you could have cut his role entirely AND NEVER MISSED IT. Not one of the better legacies to the man who brought such dignity to the original. However, not all is lost…His death scene was both welcome and gory. The flying glass through the heart was awesome to watch!

The sole survivor of the Seagrass is discovered in the freezer, and is STILL ALIVE. This would be great under the right pretext, but so far this kid is a fuck up all the way through. His one liners, meant to be slick and witty, are dull and fall miserably short of funny. Look, I’m sorry, but this guy should NOT have been written as a street homie serving on a sea vessel. Nobody that stupid is allowed on the pier, let alone near a BOAT. You end up just hoping he slips on a banana peel and DIES. Stop trying to capitalize on the black attitude stereotype for fuck’s sake and CONCENTRATE ON THE STORY!!!

This movie is worth the seven bucks to see it primetime, but don’t expect any real depth of homage to the original. It stands on it’s own, though, and I would definitely recommend it as a good weekend rent.

The balcony is open!