He asked if I was listening to Tenacious D when I wrote it. (Let the record stand, I still haven’t heard Tenacious D yet, but am looking up lyrics even as we speak).
Nope, but I did just leave a debate on a religious forum. Catholic, to be exact.
I love going to religious forums. I do it because you get to see such a wide spectrum of belief, and sometimes what people believe is…well, unbelievable. When I see what otherwise rational, intelligent adults will post in regards to what they think God wants, I understand why those Nigerian scams are so successful.
On this particular board they were talking, of all things, about whether oral sex was a sin against God, and should the clitoris be considered "off limits" for a male to touch since it's so similar to a penis. Also, the conversation drifted into “Is a woman’s pleasure really a man’s job at all”.
Talk about missing the forest for the trees. Or the bush, as it were.
And of course, someone chimed in about God speaking to him and saying oral sex was wrong, because it didn’t lead directly to procreation.
*Sound of Falling Anvils on Head*
And that's where this started from: God speaking to him. And I started thinking about the sheer enormity of things, both disastrous and wonderful, that have begun with "God told me..."
I hate that saying. Let me reiterate: I HATE that saying. It’s a catch-all get out of jail free straight-flush trump on the river. Mention the big guy, and it’s like you’ve somehow got a personal endorsement. Whenever a president invokes God, he’s always about to get us into DEEP SHIT. Or any leader, for that matter. Give it a test, listen to the next presidential address. When the word “Iraq” “Iran” “Middle East” or “WAR” is mentioned, start counting. I will bet that “God” is mentioned within 15 seconds.
Can’t have a bloodbath without the Creator, apparently.
To be honest, I had something a little less "In your face" drafted, but since when do I write things without a liberal dose of acerbic wit? So, this is the result.
Looking over it, I see a couple of missed turns that I should have taken. Looks like I alienated a couple of categories that didn't deserve it. Sorry about that.
I guess I’m just…Plain…Evil.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
And thank you!
10 comments:
I was always partial to the karate song -- here's the chorus:
"With karate I'll kick your ass/
From here to Tiennaman Square/
Ooh, you motherfucker, I'm gonna kick your fuckin' derriere/
You broke the rules, now I'll pull out all your pubic hair/
Ooh, you motherfucker ...
I love R'lyeh this time of year. Cthulhu snores less and the slime is particularly piquant.
-J
????????
You're going where with this...? Do I have an asskicking coming? Sorry, dumb question, I meant, do I have one coming from you?
Oh, it's Tenacious D! Got it, sorry!
>"I love R'lyeh this time of year"<
Yes, the screaming of the hoplessly insane in the distance, scummy moss covering everything, Shoggoths underfoot...Romantic.
Bobbe, march right back there and tell them about Shoggoth sex. It's tentacled. It's slimy. It's fun. It's not always fatal. Best of all, it leads to procreation. Doesn't matter whether you're male, female, neuter, hermaphrodite or mutant or what orifices Shoggy uses (or makes) for the purpose.
Well you see, Shoggy sex isn't something you can just bandy about in front of everybody, it has it's drawbacks. There's the oily residue all over the furniture, the missing children, psychological scarring and bloody discharge. The Catholics would have a field day off the blasphemous angle alone. Also, it's a little akward when you're trying to introduce the folks to your new alien master & it arbitrarily eats one. FAUX PAS!
And if you think interracial dating is tough, try inter-species...You want a dog, it wants to eat a dog. You listen to R & B, it listens to...screaming. It can't speak English and you couldn't speak it's language unless you had six tongues and a mouth as large as a double-wide trailer.
Also, take into account that they would practically be dating a viable food source...You never quite get past the suspicion that the Shoggoth is looking at you like a walking shrimp chip.
Hey, we know all about interspecies romance. Tiel's a human being. I'm a transphibian.
Growing up, I saw people pull out the "God told me card" and I found it amusing. Did they have one of those dramatic old rotary red phones that God called on? Are there heavenly operators...???
Also- to people like that i always ask...should infertile men and women be bannned from marriage or is it a sin also? I mean since it doesn't lead to procreation.
Then they revert back to.."but that's how God designed it, for procreation. It would lead to kids..." blah blah.
I pity the wife of those types of closed minded sorts.
Post a Comment