I couldn’t sleep last night (I seem to be chock full of anxiety these days) so I went to Starbuck’s tonight and ordered a cup of coffee. Let the record show that this was somewhere near 3:30 am, and I looked like the bastard son of Enoch, but less responsibly dressed. Almost immediately, the super-creepy Goth cashier starts chatting me up, like we’re soulmates or something. Then the coffee pourer guy joins in the conversation. I’m trying very hard to be polite, but I’m squirming inside, while making no attempt to even look like I’m paying attention. In fact, I’m blankly staring off into space leaving the idiot Baristas to suffer the small talk alone. AND THEY DON’T EVEN NOTICE. I mean, I walked in and ordered a latte big enough for Ted Kennedy to lose a goddam Buick in, and my wireless laptop is tucked snugly under my arm…Hmmnn, now let's examine this...Do I seem like the sort of gent who is just itching for some early-morn conversation with the only guy (and girl) they could get to work the corpse stealer's shift? Up on further examination, it appears that I might want to take advantage of the free wireless internet that comes with a purchase over $5.00! And hey, if it doesn’t come out of your mouth, then would you be so kind as to shut yer pie-hole so I can get back to my unsuccessful attempt at ironic wit on my hasn’t-been-updated-in-days blog?Am I the only one who hates being squawked at by perfect strangers every time I purchase damn coffee?
I don’t find it necessary or appealing to have my ass kissed every time I want to buy a cup of joe. I’m happy with the barest minimum of service. Take my money. Give me my change. Hand over the goods. And be reasonably polite. You can skip the sunny fake smile and the inquiries about my day. Hell, if you don’t feel like making eye contact, that’s fine with me, too.
Maybe that sounds antisocial and bitchy, but personally, I think it’s even MORE bitchy to demand that the poor underpaid sap behind the counter pretend to care how the fuck your day is. The job is humiliating and unrewarding enough. Why must you people babble incessantly while you kill their spirits?
Back in the day when I worked in a graphic design shop, I had to ‘make conversation’ with a multitude of rich snobs while they agonized over what font to use for their tacky business cards that nobody ever reads. Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to shriek, “I’M WORKING FOR $12 AN HOUR, ASSHOLE! DO YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK?” Instead I was forced to endure such indignities with a stony smile on my face while I frantically tried to remember what they were saying every time they paused dramatically.
Anyway, I just want to say to each and every register jockey out there: (And this means you, Starbucks chick) you don’t have to talk to me. You don’t have to pretend you like me. And you don’t have to kiss my ass. As far as I’m concerned, as long as I get in and out with what I’m buying in a reasonable amount of time, we’re even. Your job sucks enough. Suffering through 5 minutes of small talk with me isn’t worth the chump change they’re paying you.
Besides, you’re boring and stupid and you make my ears bleed.
8 comments:
Thing is, java is no longer for the caffiene. Now days it's for the social experience and the barista's (they're not really at Starblands, try getting something off the menue) are used to people expecting that experience so they go into auto. They're not listening to the Excursion driving airhead talking back to them either.
Besides,that's your curse for being at the source of the Black Plague.
I think your barista works days here at a Thai joint. All getting up in my face about what I am doing today and shit.
As for lying to customers, I did plenty of that when I worked at a record store, "Yes, you're right, Celine Dion is an excellent singer....
Depends on the store, I guess. Our neighborhood Stirbucks is populated mostly by regulars, and the staff turnover is low enough that almost all the baristas know most of the customers by sight, and know who likes to talk in the mornings and who doesn't.
(I suspect they have a Rogue's Gallery up behind the bar. "5'4" mixed-race female. Drinks mocha and chai on alternate days. Do not address before 9 AM on pain of bodily harm.")
You need to find bigger windmills, Kid.
Next thing you know, you'll start going off on TV commercials and Paris Hilton.
You,uh, watch American Idol, too, don'tcha ... ?
Too easy.
All right, Old Man...
Give me a challenge.
A challenge? Here:
Engage in conversation with the next service person you see who sets your teeth on edge.
Here's what I do: Look at them, and say, "Are we having fun yet?" and then smile.
I think you'll be amazed at how that often makes people light up. You didn't say, "Hey, howzit goin'" in a voice that says you could not care less. They can hear that you are paying them some attention, and it puts you into another category: Non-surly patron ...
Doesn't cost you anything, and maybe they pay it forward.
As above, so below.
Also, if they offer you a sack, tell them you already have one.
I am a Starbucks junkie...I have one right around the corner...we actually had some dipwads picketing the place last week...bad move seeing how I was jonesin for an espresso and they were blocking my entrance. I told the long hair he should either shit me a double espresso or move..seeing my mood and demeanor he moved....so much for brave picketers..skeezy retards!...Damn it now wheres my meds?
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