AN OPEN PLEA TO AVRIL LAVIGNE

Go to the bottom of your swimming pool, and promise you won’t come back up until you are dead.

"I remember when I was really young, standing on my bed like it was a stage, singing at the top of my lungs and visualizing thousands of people surrounding me."

That is so weird! I had a VERY similar fantasy about you too. Only, in my fantasy you were surrounded by thousands of zombies, and instead of you singing, you were crying out at the top of your lungs for the sweet release of death that would take away the pain of being eaten alive and getting torn limb from limb!

Lookie here Advil, or whatever your name is. I dunno what devil you signed a deal with, or what record mogul's pee pee you sucked to get signed, but I view your success as a cruel joke on us all. You are 17 years old for fuck's sake, and you sound like shit. Exactly what the fuck do you know about ANYTHING in life, other than what shade of pink hair dye goes best with your silver eyebrow ring?

"I'm gonna dress what's me, I'm gonna act what's me and I'm gonna sing what's me."

Well, after hearing your lame-assed songs all day at work today, my suggestion is that you seriously consider trying to be like someone other than yourself.

"In this past year, I've really grown as a writer!"

Um, I dunno about that one Anvil, I mean while its true that "why ya gotta go and make things so complicated? Yer acting like yer somebody else, gettin me frustrated!" is truly brilliant prose, I can't help but think that there's much more room for "growth."

I do sympathize however with your frustration. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is for me to know that with all the buses in this world, not even ONE of them has run you over?

I hate you. You rank FAR below all the other talentless wastes of space on the radio. I swear to god if you have another hit, I'm going to stab myself in the face with a screwdriver just so that the pain I feel will distract me from the cruel knowledge that people actually pay money to buy your ridiculous CDs. You suck and you aren't even SLIGHTLY cute. You look like a fucking furbee. The monsterous globes for eyes buried in your skeletor-like face freighten me, small children, and elderly Chinese women across the globe. Please leave us alone, we never did anything to you. Your igloo in Ontario misses you.