Thoughtless Bastards

*Parody – Not to be taken seriously*

At an unassuming crackhouse in the backwoods of Western Michigan an event of momentous proportions takes place twice a year.

The reenactment of "Deliverance".

"Roger Control, we have the meth lab in our sights. Loading sidewinders."

You want to hear a good definition of jealousy? It’s when someone you know is having a perfectly good time without you.

The Fall Gathering of the Tribes was held in Michigan last week. I couldn’t go, because of ten thousand other things that desperately needed my attention here, not the least of which is my new job, finishing my book(s), putting my Jurus on film, updating my blog…Oh, did I mention WEKAF champion and cheese-swilling Dutchman Steve van Harn is coming out next week to, as he puts it, “kick my pansy ass into another time-zone”?

So no, I couldn’t go anywhere this time out.

And they had a Kalaripayattu guy there. You all should know by now what I'm going to say nex, right? Let's all sing along together:

SEVEN GODS DAMMITT!!

For those of you who don’t know, Kalaripayat is an Indian (as in, “from the continent of India”) Martial Art, and in my personal belief it is probably the MAJOR contributing proponent in the early development of Indonesian Pencak Silat. It’s a kind of mixture-hybrid of Yoga, Marma Adi (nerve strikes) and fighting techniques of the early Mayurian-Indus empire. I trained this in Mangalore India in the early 90’s at the Sultan Battery. India was my first foreign country experience, and Mangalore is arguably the best beach in the world. Incidentally, this is also where I got the nickname “Curry Thief” as well as my taste for curry. Probably Asian women as well, but we won’t go into that.

It takes a big man to accept defeat and move on.

I, unfortunately, am not a big man.

I am an emotional midget, if you must know, with a typical male ego as large as Matterhorn and fragile as an eggshell. And since I can’t stand to watch as my friends have fun without me, I decided to give my own version of what the gathering must have been like without me being there. Except I tell it as if I was there. Which doesn't make much sense. But it's my blog anyway, so PISS OFF!

Friday:

This gathering started the way they all do, with people arriving Friday evening for the informal "meet and greet". Big fat hairy deal. They do the same thing at Wal-Mart, and the prices are way lower there.

Apparently Mushtaq cooked up a HUGE pot of coconut ginger basil curry to feed people as they arrived. Probably not as good as mine, but I guess they all suffered through it without food poisoning. He also put Cody’s eye out with the secret Sufi eye putter-outer technique. Word is Cody had to be rushed to the emergency room and have a prosthetic put in. Mushtaq continued unabashed.

"Now watch as I pull his spine out...Hey, waitaminute...Adam, WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR SPINE?!?"

Saturday:

The first session of the day was taken by RMAX Coach, Cody Fielding.

Cody did something a little different this gathering. He introduced us to a process he has been working on that involves being a competitor, coach/corner and referee.

Unfortunately, because he was blind from the previous night, Cody couldn’t do much other than stagger along with a cane and a seeing-eye dog, trying to offer advice as best he could. Ultimately, he was provided a can full of pencils, dark sunglasses and put out on the sidewalk with the instructions to “be of some use”. As he started to protest, Mushtaq was herd to retort "Shut yer damn mouth or I'll put the other one out!"

Next up was Chuck and Don, who gave a clinic in kicking concepts. One of the fun things was using kicks at unusual ranges, creating unexpected attacks. This was cut short, unfortunately, since Chuck kicked Aaron square in the nads left him for dead. Aaron was equally surprised, seeing as how he didn’t even realize he had nads in the first place.

"They're located HERE, Aaron!" "Oof!"

"Wow Mariah...Your big toe really DOES look like a huge corn chip!"

Next up for the day was Maha Guro Buzz Smith of American Maharlika Kuntaw. Buzz is a regular at the gatherings and is one of our secret weapons against boring martial arts. This year was no different, as he provided home enema kits and full instructions on how to use them. Finally, something we could all “get behind”, so to speak! Guru Buzz is a favorite among the elderly and insane homeless in Grand Rapids, as well as many “alternative” nightclubs.

"Okay, now does everybody have their home enema kits ready?"

"Buzz takes a day off from his job at Auntie Annes Pretzel Emporium"

The last formal session of the day was nothing unique. We had a teacher of Kalaripayattu, the ancient Indian martial art from Kerala join us for this gathering. Instead of Kalaripayattu, though, he chose instead to do a rendition of “Wuthering Heights”…In Semaphore.

"Heathcliff!" "Catherine!!" "Edgar!" "Isobella!"

"And when you're finished kicking some ass...Take a bow!"

"You win Chuck...You are indeed the whitest person here"

"Dude, seriously...No need for that. We have indoor plumbing"

On Sunday, We finished the martial portion of the day with a Silat clinic given by Mushtaq Ali. Many were the eyeballs in peril as Mushtaq went through an amazing repertoire of OTHER PEOPLE’S SILAT HE HAS STOLEN FROM OTHER PEOPLE, THE DAMN THIEF!

"Umm, Moosh...Seriously...Your pits could knock a
buzzard off a shitwagon at 500 yards."

So there it is, my review of a bunch of thoughtless bastards who didn’t have the common decency to even feel sorry about my absence from their seminar.

Hope you're all happy now. I'm gonna curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for a week.

Cody leading the class in Chrysler Hood-Ornament training

Group shot of the guilty parties