What's the damn deal here?!!?
So I got a cauldron-sized bucket and utter GOBS of candy, in preparation of the onslaught of snotnoses who live in our neighborhood. For the past seven years, the Edmonds house has become famous as the Gold Dust Rush for candy. I don't just give one or two pieces. I dump HANDFULS into bags. Chocolaty, sugar-coated landfills of goodness. Kids near our block know by now to save my house for last, because ladies and gentlemen, it's a showstopper. Some ass down the block give you an apple? No worries. Did you have the unfortunate luck of knocking on a dentists door, and he hands out floss, or some shit like that? Gotcha covered, kid. Does your Halloween bag look like a prescription sack from Rite-Aide? You can always rest assured that you will more than make it up at that house with the Karate guy in it.
Not that this has endeared me to the parents of the neighborhood. They always look at me with scorn when I tell the kid to just open his bag and I'll pour the goodies in. They know that's another 10 grand spent at the dentist for every year they come by my house. But the kids demand it, because I'm sort of the candy God. Hell, I've had years when mothers would have to drag their kids away from my house screaming, while the kid clutched my leg begging me to adopt them. It's always so cute to hear them say "That's not my mommy!" as they look at me with wild desperation. I just love kids.
So, the stage is set: Full bucket 'O candy, bright lights, me playing a zombie video game and a glass of Chimay Blue.
Exactly 3 trick-or-treaters came by my house last night.
Three.
Do you know what three is? Three is how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Three is the runner that nobody pays attention to on the winner's podium if that's when you crossed the finish line. Three is exactly how many glasses of Chimay it takes to put me into a coma. Three is how many Asian girls I fantasize about sleeping with at the same time. Three is how many whacks in the head Caren has to give me to stop thinking about it.
Three is certainly NOT how many kids come by for goodies. No way, no how.
What in seven hells in going on here? Are you kids being held hostage? That's it, isn't it? Did you get lost? What gives? I'm a SURE THING! I'm the class slut that you go out with because you know she'll give it up. I'm the crazy Uncle your mom hates who always has a toy in his pocket and a dirty joke. I'm the...Okay, I've ran out of goofy metaphors, but you get it: I'M THE GODDAM EMPEROR OF MARS! WE HAVE CANDY!
*SIGH*
I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Todd Erven, I have some candy left. Is it time for another Chimay party?
13 comments:
Count me in for one hell of a headache in the morning. I've got dibs on the eyeballs with gooey centers.
If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea how many trick or treaters we had...
Because I am still at work.
That is right, still.
Bah.
Same here. I have enough mini- MIlky Ways, Snickers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Nestle's Crunches to turn a football stadium full of skinny kids into diabetics. Some of it Dianne can take to the office, some we can pawn off on the grandkids, but it all has to go. If I'm gonna eat chocolate, I want to chow down on the Dagoba vita puro stuff.
Maybe I'll mail it to you.
Speaking of which, weren't you going to post some prices on the hardware? I know how much the long blades are, but what about the others? I'm not quite ready to send you a blank check, you being hooked on spendy beer and all.
You liked the eyeballs? I didn't go for them as much myself. But dude...We have Soooooo much Twix, Kit Kats and other stuff. I think you say the pot by the door, right?
Jason - Man, sorry to hear that. Truly sorry. I know how that life is.
Ummm...You ARE still entertaining that offer, que no?
You too? Maybe less than 1/3 of the houses in our neighborhood paricipated last night. I was giving out handfuls of candy and still have loads left over. It will all go to work on Monday, if my wife and daughter don't eat it first.
After the rain last year, I thought there would have been lots of kids this year.
Halloween is losing it's magic.
Yes, beer is on tonight. But if we stick with the original plan it will be Spaten or Paulaner rather than Chimay as Prost only serves German brews.
I'll call you in a bit to figure out the details.
I like the *squish* that the eyeballs make. I actually spit the gum out once I get the gooey center.
I'm gonna chime in with Steve here and demand a price list for the shinies. Hurry the hell up.
Bitch, Bitch, Moan, Complain. You guys DO know that I'm dealing with Indonesia, right? Ever wonder why there's not a lot of demand for Indonesian technicians?
Time is a non-entity for them. It simply doesn't exist.
Nobody came by our house last night. But that's actually par for the course. I don't know if it's because our neighborhood doesn't have a lot of kids (which is true) or if most of the families in this area have gone to the Halloween-party model. (Which is what I'd do if we had kids.)
With all the hype about sex perverts, sex offenders and the local paper requesting that parents check the sex offender registry in our area it is no wonder the turn out was at it's lowest. But
that just means there is more for me!!!! Life gives you lemons- make lemonade.
But , sugar has a strange effect on me--->>>http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c10/kuntawguro/zombieme.jpg
http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c10/kuntawguro/zombieme.jpg
Get on the stick, Kid. Some of us don't have all that much time left.
Prices!
Mmmm, we had something like 1,500 to 2,000 kids on Halloween. Turns out the house I bought is next to Portland's biggest Haunted House, now in its 23rd year, and two more down the road on the other side of me. Apparently the local news covered it as 'the scariest street in Portland.' Every knock on the door was a pack of ten, twelve kids, with another one already coming up the path, and several more thronging on the sidewalk. It was epic.
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