The links on the sidebar have disappeared to anyone using Internet Explorer. I have no idea why this is, I'm working on it. Sorry, for all of you non-Firefox using people out there, all I can say is that I didn't do it on purpose & I'm trying to get it fixed.
I have been approached to add a few Vibrant-style intellitext links and advertising widgets on my blog, to which I can only reply FUCK A BUNCH OF THAT! You know, those annoying unwanted popup ads that appear from various underlined text in certain websites? I HATE those things, they get in the way of whatever I'm looking for every time, and it takes me a few seconds to reset my train of thought afterward. Also, you guys don't come to this blog to be assaulted with advertisements, you come to be entertained. I figure a sure way of losing most (all?) of my readership is to start inundating you with a barrage of ads for gambling, Amazon.com and debt consolidation.
Are You Man Enough for Megaforce?
I watched it again the other day, and...Ungh. I didn't realize how far away 1984 really was. This movie is AWFUL. It's pretty much "Enter the Ninja" with spandex.
What memories linger around our childhood...!
Well, THIS is Getting Annoying...
I'm never putting my telephone number on the cover page for submitted stories again. Fucking NEVER.
You may have noticed a change in my blog sidebar this past month, there's a lot of writing and publishing links and I've set them at the top of the page. There is indeed a reason for that.
Especially "Writer Beware". Because there are a few things you need to know, if you're going to go swimming in the world of publishing.
I've been shopping "A Matter of Time" around, and making all the usual noob mistakes along the way. Not numerating pages. Indention discrepancies. Extra spaces between chapters. The first few rejections came with some encouragement as well (Stan Schmidt, the editor of Analog, actually put a handwritten note at the bottom of the rejection form letter, explaining what I had done wrong. I'll probably re-submit to them later, if no one else takes it) and I've learned as I have gone along.
So, I got a call from a man claiming to be starting a publishing agency as an offshoot to a well-known science fiction magazine. Namely, the most recent one I had just submitted my story to.
"Hello, may I speak to Baby Edmonds, please?" (People are always doing that, ever since grade school my name has been mutilated a bazillion times. I'm used to it. Sight unseen, most people think I'm a girl. This is the best way to start off on the wrong foot with me.)
"It's pronounced "Bobby", just spelled with a Vietnamese accentuation. This is he, how can I help you?"
"My name is ______, and I have some exciting news for you about your story."
Let me take a moment right here to tell you that, as a first-time author sending his only child out into the big bad publishing world, hearing that is POWERFUL. It's a hook that gets your heart beating, and the phrase "exciting news" makes all kinds of wild thoughts run through your head. Believe me.
"Oh, that's great! Was it accepted by __________?"
"Well, I'll tell you honestly Mr. Edmonds, I liked your story. I can see you're a bit rough around the edges, but that's to be expected out of young authors (he hadn't asked my age, and I know my voice sounds juvenile over the phone). I'm prepared to review your work, based on this story alone, and help you ascertain the probability of acceptance for other publishers as well. The standard entry fee is $150.00, and that includes editorial services, agency services and leads to the current magazines that are accepting amateur work at the time."
Have any of you noticed it yet? Go back a few lines and look again, see if you spot it.
He hasn't answered my question yet. Has "_______" magazine accepted my submission, or haven't they? The warning lights have just jumped to condition yellow, but I'm so anxious to have my story actually published, I drown them out for the moment. However, he doesn't have me completely hooked just yet.
"So, are you saying that I have to pay to have my story published in __________?"
"Well, for that fee (The amount was never mentioned by him again, it was always "That Fee") you get an agent and an open door to the publisher. Also, the standard editing fee is waved, so you won't have to pay us to read every submission you send in. This is an opportunity to get in on the ground floor of a new publishing house."
Those warning lights? They just turned into alarm claxons, with Gregory Peck yelling "Prepare to dive! Prepare to dive!"
See, I don't know much about the publishing industry, or the writer/agent relationship. Yet. But it seemed strange that an agent would ask for money up front, when they are supposed to get paid for selling the book, not reading it. Furthermore, I never asked for an agent, nor an editor. I submitted a short story. And as talented an author as I think I am (and make no mistake, I think I'm a fucking genius with an outline) I just don't believe someone would look at my work and say "Holy smokes, where has this guy been hiding? Personnel! Get this Edmonds guy on board PRONTO, before Random House snatches him up!"
Pisses me off, though.
Also, the magazine rejected the story after all. Language was too harsh. I'm considering doing a Disney version.
The Morons Are Winning...
I saw a weird ad on TV the other day. It was for the Gracie Jiu Jitsu self defense series.
I think the Ultimate Fighting Travesties are actually fun to watch, especially when they turned it into a self-serving reality T.V. show. The matches usually start out with two hyper-tattooed steroid addicts who take about 10 minutes before every match to try to out chest-beat each other in the safety of their own dressing rooms, before jumping into the ring for 10-15 minutes of sweaty dick-punching.
The danger here is when people start thinking that this is real fighting. Which is like saying the Christian Bible is a reliable historic reference for Paleolithic Archaeologists. Particularly for young adult males, who think dropping to the ground to try to scoop your opponent on the street means he's practically defenseless. I'm sort of waiting for the flood of morons to show up at the local hospital (or morgue) having gotten the shit kicked out of them, or worse yet, didn't know the other guy had a knife. Which brings me back to the Gracie T.V. commercial;
Some bozo (and I mean that in every sense of the word) was going on about how, no matter what your day was like, you could always walk into a convenience store, look at someone behind a register and think, "I could tap that guy out".
Um. Yeah.
I've got some seriously day-ruining bad news for you, Paco; convenience store clerks know this as well, and most of them keep a loaded .45 ACP in an empty Marlboro carton by the register...You know, in case some DVD-watching Jiu Jitsu prick tries to tap them out. All the clerk has to do is double-tap his shit into your forehead, and I SERIOUSLY doubt that Gracie Jiu Jitsu is going to refund your money due to your dying because you were stoopid.
Aha!
Lastly: There are two things in this world that I love, with the word "Fett" in them:
1: Fett-a Cheese (Yar, I know it's a stretch, geroff me)
2: Boba Fett
Of the two, I can have as much of the cheese as I can possibly stomach. The other is completely out of the question.
Am I blue...
4 comments:
Money is supposed to flow to the writer. Any time anybody asks you for a reading fee, an editing fee, or anything out of your pocket up front, close the door on their foot.
Agents get a piece of what they sell. If you send them money, say, a hundred bucks to help you fix a story, or two or three or even five hundred for a novel, then they don't need to sell anything and won't bother trying. Why should they?
Let's say you sell a five thousand word short story to Analog and you get a nickel or six cents a word for it, which is what it was last time I looked.
Three hundred bucks. An agent, if s/he handles short stories and many only do so as a service to their novel writers, gets 15%. $45.
If you send them a hundred buck "editing" fee, you are paying for the gun and bullets they are using to rob you.
Never, ever do this. If it's close enough for an agent that s/he thinks they can make a sale, they'll offer suggestions about how to fix it for free. If they don't think it's salable, the only reason they will bother is to skin you ...
Wow...Megaforce, Star Wars referances, and UFC jokes in one blog post?!? Kudos man, that was great.
/salute
I remember Megafarce. The aircraft used are C-130s from Dyess (Did You Expect Such Shit?) AFB in Abilene, Texas. I worked on those very aircraft. Of course, I didn't get to go out with them during filming (didn't want me to distract them from the Star). Close up shots of the cockpit were not of the 130 though, can't remember off hand what they were.
Glad to see you back Bobbe, missed ya.
The older I get the more I believe that 99% of anything is never giving up.
If you give up, you're effectively saying "no" to yourself and never giving any editor or what-have-you a chance to.
Keep on writing and pick the living hell out of it.
The one common denominator of successful writers is that they didn't give up. For many of them, it took absurd numbers of rejections.
I know a woman who went from a nobody student to a multimillionaire within five years. She wrote two pages a day, every day. She collected rejection slips on a spindle and had some ridiculous amount of them before she got published. Now she's richer than rich. Word is she has over 10 million.
Odds are it's not going to happen to you tomorrow so settle in for the long haul. If you don't enjoy what you're doing, stop. If you enjoy it or get satisfaction out of it in some visceral way, continue.
I decided years back that I wasn't going to work in a cubicle slave camp ever again. It's been hard going, lots of ups and downs. I've got two books mostly finished, that I'm still working on. I do different sorts of computer-related consulting jobs and side businesses. One of the side things looks like it's picking up steam. But I'm keeping up on the writing.
I suspect that writing is one of those things that winnows out most of the people capable of doing anything else. It requires a unique temperament. My guess is you are one of the people who isn't going to be happy in normal jobs.
Stick with it. Go to the library and read books on technique. I've got a huge list of the ones that are good.
You could start submitting horror short stories to these small Net-only publications. You'll get useful criticism and feedback and it might help you build an audience.
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