I Get All Kinds

It's abundantly clear with only a few minute's investigation that my school is not for beginners. I've said this, like, fifty-eleven times over the past five years. I've been saying it since I threw out the last guy who wasted a lot of my time without bothering to learn the material: The Edmonds Martial Arts Academy is the Oxford University for martial arts. You have to have graduated 12 years of prep school FIRST. I don't have a "Little Ninjas" class, my school isn't a glorified daycare nor is it where you should go if you are "A little interested in Tae Kwon Do". I'm where you go once you've gotten past the "mildly interested" phase, and moved on into the "I've outgrown this, what else is there?" stage of the game.

Having said that...

People seem to think that I'm somehow spitting on other teachers or schools for having an after school program for kids, or only understanding one art, or some other asinine reason. Others, when they get a kindly-worded rejection letter from me, tend to go...Let's say "a little batty". Whenever I'm in a really bad mood, I pull these babies out, and my day immediately gets better. And believe me, the list grows each month.

Names withheld to protect the guilty...


Attempts to Win Me Over by Insulting Me

"What makes you think I would send any of my students to you? Who are you, that I should bow to you? Even if your martial pedigree were true - and I have my doubts - I am perfectly capable of teaching my own students advanced material. Perhaps you should concentrate on different marketing tactics before you try to steal my students like a common shoplifter."

I tried to explain to this guy that;

A: I didn't solicit ANYBODY, and certainly no one from his school. He contacted me out of the clear blue.

B: They are perfectly capable of training with ME and YOU as well, unless you forbid it. Which immediately arouses my suspicion of YOUR teaching abilities.

*SIGH* Of course, he didn't answer.

Also, I can't remember ever offering anybody my "martial pedigree". I put so little stock in such things that I would never have actually mentioned it, let alone used it as a marketing ploy. You're free to doubt it all you want, either my skill speaks for itself or it doesn't. A piece of paper won't fight my battles for me.

"I am sincere in my desire to train with you, even though I am truly a beginner in the path of the warrior. I won't second guess myself with someone else and I just sent this off without a second thought. I understand you're point, but why would I waste time with a lesser teacher when it could be you? I hope you will either "get" my energy from this email, or you won't. So I think I could write "penut butter and jelly" 25 times instead of this letter and either you would get me or you wouldn't. But that's okay. Maybe we're not right for each other."

This was a response from a rejection letter that I wrote. (And by the by, I am very gentle about my rejection letters. Often I simply state that I would welcome the applicant, if he or she could complete the required 10 years of training in another school first.) Trying to win me over with that twopenny philosophy and guilt tripping me into accepting you WON'T WORK. So I again, with as much patience as I could muster, (admittedly, it was wearing thin at this point) tried to explain what was expected of him if he wanted to train with me.

And below is what his reply was:

"You know what? Fuck you. Your videos suck anyway, and I don't need you to tell me what you think I should do. So go ahead and copy all of Inosantos shit for the rest of the life you drone. I am a warrior. I don't need anybody to tell me that. The question is, what are you?"

It's enough to make me wonder if I'm on the right planet sometimes...


Possibly Off Our Meds?

"I found out that finding a good teacher is a hard hurdle to leap. Could you email me a couple of addresses and links for schools that you would recommend? I ma interested in the style that Wesley Snipes does in his movies, so a teacher who is connected with Hollywood is probably the best bet."

WHAT?!? I have no idea what Wesley Snipes trains, nor how to contact him. Can't really say that I would if I could. I sure as hell won't give out any celebrity contacts I might have to some anonymous email guy. I mean really, just where the fuck do people get off nowadays??


Definitely Off Our Meds...

This was sent to me after I, for once in my life, took time to actually answer a query about training with a generous email containing kindly-supplied information about training alternatives in the Seattle area:

"I apologize for the automatic reply to your email. To control spam, I now allow incoming messages only from senders I have approved beforehand. If you would like to be added to my list of senders, please fill out the short request form (see link below). Once I approve you, I will receive your original message in my inbox."

Okay, I was gobsmacked with this one. I mean...Say WHAT?!? YOU contacted ME, asswipe, and then rejected my response hoping I would beg you to be added as one of your e-buddies? What is this, MySpace? I thought that fad had died out?

I put his ass on permanent spam and forgot him.

"I am a big fan of your yotube videos and your website. I confess that I have saved almost all of them, and watch them often to glean some spark of wisdom from them. After a long period of meditation, I have decided that you are the teacher for me! Please send me all the information you have, no matter how irrelevant you think it is, on Thailand and chinese.

I would like to come and visit your class to see what you teach and how you teach it, but not before we speak at length on the phone and exchange a few more emails. I want us to get a feel for one another first."

It's possible that this guy just didn't read the fine print about my school, and I was SORELY tempted to ask him what the hell "Yotube" was. Sounds like a gangsta-rap video website...Yo! Tube! Meditating on whether or not I should be his teacher isn't a bad thing, but he didn't need to tell me about it. It certainly doesn't make me take him more serious.

But that business about "All information about Thailand and Chinese". Oh, fuckee-me. We are, as the bard would tell us, truly in the land of faerie, and mere anarchy is loose upon the world. This is another one that I simply didn't bother responding to, mostly because I don't have the return address for the fucking Twilight Zone. But I wanted so desperately to say; "Try to Google, no matter how retarded and mentally unable you may be, all information about Thailand and Chinese. Then kindly jump in front of a large truck moving at any speed higher than 80 mph. The world can get along just fine without you, and there is significant danger to the rest of us if you breed."

Martial Arts, like any hobby (and it IS a hobby, sportsfans. Warriors use GUNS, not KATANAS) is time-consuming and usually takes over a decade to just "be okay" at it. Training at the wrong school or with the wrong teacher can prolong that to infinity, or something that seems damn close to it. I don't begrudge anyone asking me if they can train with me, nor if I could recommend someplace to start from if they can't.

But please, avoid doing so as if I OWE you something. Courtesy on the web these days is so damn rare, I'm starting to think it's in the same category as the Loch Ness Monster: Often discussed, but never really seen.