I spoke to some Mormons who came a-knockin' on my door yesterday, and I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I should have been meaner. They were young women, maybe 20 or 21, alone, in a VERY Asian neighborhood. Our porch light is burned out at the moment, so they had to walk up to a darkened house. I knew they were some sort of religious missionaries, because they both had nametags, "Sister So-and-So". Maybe it was because I respected their commitment to their faith to approach my house that I didn't rip into them like I usually do the males. Maybe it was because they were women & I'm a sexist misogynist pig, who knows.
But after I answered the knock (at least it wasn't at 10am on Saturday) I knew who they were and what they wanted within 3 seconds. So halfway into their introductory spiel about God, Jesus, the universe and everything, I interrupted them to say "Thank you for taking the time, however, I'm not a believer".
"Oh, well you know," they pole-vaulted intrepidly, "Jesus is really still alive and with us. Maybe we can speak to you sometime about the promise he gave to his children and-" I raised my hands here and interrupted again. "I'm sorry" I said (why did I apologize?) " As I stated before, I'm not a believer and I'm not interested. Try the next house." They weren't budging. "Well let us at least leave you with this coupon for a free video that explains what we're about and what God's message is to us!"
Now, at this point, I wanted to grab one by the throat and scream "I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR RELIGION, YOUR BELIEFS AND YOUR STUPID MAGIC ROCKS! I HAD TO LIVE IN AN LDS FOSTER HOME FOR A YEAR! I SAID NO! NOW FUCK OFF!!" What I actually said was "Okay, I'll take the coupon. Thanks. Good night."
Why did I do that?
I mean, what would they do if I knocked on their door & said "Hi. I'm from the society for less religious ignorance and the undermining of faith-fishing that preys on the weak-minded and uneducated. We've got some dinosaur bones for you to examine, a couple of unarguable points dealing with your supposed pre-existing civilization in America that predates the Indians that we can't find even a TRACE of, and then I'd like to read to you from "The Voyage of the Beagle" by Charles Darwin."
Now, so far I'm being facetious, and I know it. But play along for a second...
They aren't overly-impressed with my conclusive "proof", but they don't want to hurt my feelings. So they kindly inform me that, although they don't, nor ever will, share my beliefs, they are pleased that I made the attempt. The door is thataway, please use it.
Then I say "Well, before I go, can I give you a coupon for a free video entitled "Your God is as fake as a Republican promise, and you are fooling yourself about the afterlife"?
So, what would they do then? Get upset? Remain patient? Start a fight?
I know I'm stereotyping a bit here...But I honestly don't think it's by much. See, those doorknockers are SENT by someone, and one assumes that they had a modicum of training before they were sent like lambs to the slaughter in the big, bad, secular world. So WHY aren't they taught that "No" means "No"? Or that your ill-advised attempt to worm your way into my household will make it that much more difficult on the next poor bastard who knocks on my door with a copy of the Book of Mormon, just trying to earn his merit badge for door-to-door gospel spreading.
Because the next person who tries to witness to me is gonna GET IT. Both barrels. I'll be polite for a second, and when the guilt trips start...I'm just going to unleash hell.
Still and all, I wonder if religious doorknockers (of ANY creed) showing up at my house and pushing the issue with me, no matter how slightly, gives me the right to traumatize them? I think I should come up with some sort of "Appropriate Response Tactic", such as I have for natural threats to my person in downtown Seattle. Maybe give them a smile and shine them on with "Thanks, but I'm not a believer". And when they get pushy, give the the LOOK. Tell them, "Okay, I set the tone for you and you're choosing to cross the line with me. If you take this any further, even one syllable in the direction of witnessing to me, I will assume you are giving me an invitation to retort in the manner I see most fit." (Let them figure out what I mean by that!)
See, this whole "witnessing" business is difficult enough when you approach a person of strong religious beliefs that are different from yours. It's even worse when you target a person with strong anti-religious beliefs: You first must make them a believer, then convert them to your dogma.
Day's work for any saint, I would imagine. And your missionaries are how old?
Also, there's just no way in hell you could ever posit and justify this:
But damned if they won't try!
7 comments:
kinda makes my email yesterday about the potential headline for your article weird, doesn't it?
I guess it works when you put someone's info on a religious international mailing list. =p
You will get the Nativity scene starter kit in the mail soon to set up before Christmas. Shoot me an email if you need help.
Tip: Baby in manger.
Do you really want a mostly truthful answer?
Preach it Brother!!!
I would appreciate an attempt at verisimilitude over "Just eat the fucking cake and shut your yap" any day of the week, if that's what you're asking.
I choose to believe that the individuals who visited you recently believe that they have something that would make you happier and the world a better place if you chose to believe it too. From that point of view, they would be horrible, selfish people if they didn't offer to share.
I have noticed that when people eat or drink something nasty, their first statement goes something like "Yuck. That was nasty. Here, try it." As people, we like others to share our experiences.
They have had experiences which give them hope, joy, excitement, ... Sharing joy is nicer than sharing kimchee.
As to why no doesn't mean no, first, they were trained to offer others an opportunity to do something. "Will you read this book? Will you join in our joy? (we have kool-aid)" If you want to shortcut the pitch, try interrupting and asking them "What will you question are you going to ask me?" Then answer that you have consciously chosen your beliefs and are happy with them at this time. If they are not looking for a metaphysical tussle, then they will probably thank you for your time and try to give you contact information, in case you become unhappy later.
Now this has been speculation on my part, based upon my experiences. Thank you for being polite to them. Plenty of people aren't.
Admittedly, people who innocently do not plan on being annoying may still be amazingly so.
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