There is a Crack in Everything

That's How the Night Slips In

Irony Takes Flight...

I decided to take a day trip to Vancouver, since I was bored out of my skull. Drove up early (got there about 6:30am) to avoid Monday traffic. Was looking forward to some Indonesian food, maybe. I get to the peace arch just fine - no traffic at all. All well and good so far.

I pull up to the booth, and the toll guy asks me if I have ever been turned back at the border before. Ummm…No. Why would I? He looks at my passport & says I sure have been to a lot of places. Ummm…Yeah, so?

He tells me to pull into the yellow stall & come into the office.

What. The. FUCK?!?

About 10 minutes later, some woman comes out with my arrest record from 1987. Tells me that I am being denied entry into the country because of outstanding warrants.

SAY WHAT?

I’ve been to Canada SEVERAL times, why is this suddenly a problem? I tell her that I have no outstanding warrants, or I wouldn’t have a driver’s license, let alone a passport. They don’t just hand those out to possible fugitives. She tells me that I will have to either get it expunged from my record or get some proof that I didn’t commit a felony before I come back in. They turn me around at the border.

As I head back into America, the American border guard also decides to play games. They do a search of the car…And find a bright pink purse (or bag…Whatever) filled with miniature bottles of Vodka and Citroen in the trunk. What my wife had that there for, I don’t know, but if she has suddenly taken up drinking, she should do something better than Vodka. It’s awful.

Anyway, the guards decide I must have been lying to them when I said there was no alcohol in the car (I THOUGHT there wasn’t!), and question me for two hours before they let me go…Since I actually wasn't a drug smuggler, or a rapist, or a psychopath. Alcohol isn’t anything major, although they were seriously hoping to find drugs. I could see the disappointment on their faces.

Pissed doesn’t begin to describe what I am. There was no reason to turn me away from the border, I don’t have any outstanding warrants. They just decided they were going to play games with me & screw around. I’m sure as HELL not going back into Canada again, I’ll be damned to fuck and back before I give them another dime of my money. I’m also not going to pay hundreds of dollars to have anything expunged from my record…They want me to act as if I didn’t live a life before going to Canada, or something. Screw that. Buncha pseudo-French, mayonnaise swilling, franco-phonic bacon-sucking bastards. If I want to go to a country where the people are snotty & speak French, I'll just go to France. Where my passport is perfectly valid, and they love my dollars.

And just where the hall does Canada get off sharing a border with a country far superior to it, anyway? Canada should move to...Hell, what's worse than Antarctica? I don’t get it, they let those bikers through without a second glance, but I’m suddenly a suspect for something that happened over 20 years ago? Before I was 21 to boot?

That does it...My next story is going to be about a Canadian border guard who gets horribly disfigured by ants and has to spend his days performing the most degrading sex acts with rodents to earn enough of their Mickey Mouse money to eat a bowl of swill every day.

After the flogging.

Just see if I don't write it.

Jack Frost Gnawing at You Ass...

It's cold as Eskimo shit here in Seattle. If you live in Seattle, you know this because your water pipes have burst. If you're homeless in Seattle, you know this because you're a human Popsicle, and your cellular structure has burst. I have the fireplace going, and I can barely feel it upstairs in my study. I walked outside to get the mail yesterday & got hit in the face with an iceberg riding a 40 Mph wind chill factor. Took out the trash tonight & saw the frozen remains of some Jehovah's Witnesses...Apparently they were about to knock on my door when the frost set in. Or they had already knocked, and were waiting for me to stop ignoring them when they froze over. I took their mannequin-esque forms over to the Latino projects & set them up outside the meth lab.

I'm sure God will watch over his flock.

The Briefcase Journal seems Lighter These Days...

Anybody heard from John Wells recently? You still with us, my friend? Your last post was cryptically confusing. I hope all is well with you and your family. Get in touch with me soon...We'll argue about coffee.

Speaking of People I haven't Touched in a While...

Ninja Brad: I DID get the tapes and DVDs. Sorry for being my usual slacker self. I'll touch base with you again soon.

Sharp Thingie Article

My good friend Chuck Pippin has written a great article on knifemaking & his experiences with it. You can read it over on Jay's blog, HERE. It's a really great story, and Chuck is clearly getting better at writing as well as making fun things for the kids.

Preach it, Brother Tyson!