Monsters

I'm Already Torn...

“Six years ago NASA discovered the possibility of alien life within our solar system. A probe was launched to collect samples, but crashed upon re-entry over Central America. Soon after, new life forms began to appear and grow. In an effort to stem the destruction that resulted, half of Mexico was quarantined as an INFECTED ZONE. Today, the American and Mexican military still struggle to contain the massive creatures”

I mean, we couldn't do much with Afghanistan,what did we think we could do with SPACE ALIENS?!??!

Monsters has been compared to Cloverfield, District 9 and Days of Our Lives. In truth, it doesn’t really belong in ANY of those categories. Easily better than the glitch-ridden Cloverfield (and with far better script, monsters and cinematography to boot) and not remotely as engaging or well-written as District 9, Monsters creates its own unique category of sci-fi: Scenes of unyielding boredom sparsely peppered with shots of amazing terror, suspense and horror.

I have to applaud director Gareth Edwards’ ability to have shot this for a 10th of what my house here in Seattle costs. I mean, when you factor that little nugget in…He did an amazing job. Monsters is easily better than the handycam-retarded Cloverfield, and much less of a headache to watch.

The movie is primarily shot in a kind of “invisible friend holding a steadycam” fashion, and I have to say that it works remarkably well. Some bigger-name producers could take a lesson here on how this kind of thing should be done. For all it’s faults, Monsters never loses me because of epileptic “you are THERE!” footage that makes me carsick even though I’m sitting on the couch.

Extraterrestrial beings are NOT the main focus here, nor are the main characters in their quest to escape into uninfected America. In fact, everything seems to be a kind of moving backdrop for a story that never happens.

Okay, so there's no food, gas or lodging for the next 8 thousand miles...?

The movie starts pretty much In Medias Res, alien life forms have taken control over Central America when a space shuttle carrying the living microbes crashes somewhere near Venezuela. Combined American and Mexican armies are struggling to contain the four-story tall space squids, and after six years of fighting, aliens and humans are at a stalemate. The local Mexican populace is very accepting of all this, and for them it’s simply business as usual.

Into this wonky mixture, we meet Andrew, a photographer and a journalist who needs a big payday shot of the aliens killing humans. Andrew is the horror-capitalist he presents himself to be from the very beginning, and remains so throughout the film. In this, I have to say, I found reality in the fantasy. Andrew himself shrugs off our emotional “tsk-tsks” when he lays down the gospel early on in the film:

“You know how much I get paid for a photo of a child killed by an alien? Ten thousand dollars. You know how much I get paid for a photo of children playing, with smiles on their faces?”

“NOTHING”

I have to admit, that hits home a bit. We don’t want to see pictures of happy Jewish children playing safely, we want to see Auschwitz at the time of the American invasion. Misery reporting is always the rent-payer, and Andrew knows this.

On the heels of this enters Samantha, the daughter of Andrew’s boss, for whom he now must leave the infected zone to smuggle back across the American border. Dodging several plot holes the size of meteor craters here, the duo begins the arduous process of bartering for a ferry passage to the border, paying extortionist prices, losing their money & passports, being forced to take “The Back Trail” directly through the infected zone at the height of alien mating season and ultimately making it to walled-off America. We’re unsure if the wall keeps out the aliens or the immigrants. Probably both.

Let me say this: There indeed are some great suspense shots in the movie, but they’re punctuated by looooooooong scenes of never-fucking-ending landscapes, hiking through the jungle, sweat dripping down foreheads and strolling through the streets during festival. Also, drinking mucho tequila of the backs of Latino hookers.

Here is where I have to shoot a disgusted look at director Gareth Edwards. He just never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity to capture our attention, and I’m sad to report that there are close to a dozen anticlimactic let-downs per one brief glimpse of Space Alien Monster Violence/Encounter. It's called "MONSTERS" godammit, I expect to get some fucking Monsters in here!

The monster scenes themselves are so great when they roll up, and even when nothing happens, Edwards does such a great job of building the suspense to butt-pucker intensity. The letdown occurs when we are subjected to yet another 10-15 minutes of backpacking through the jungle swatting mosquitoes the size of bats, and dodging bats the size of condors, all the while hoping to see/photograph/avoid large, upright-walking squid aliens that apparently produce some sort of noxious gas that make close proximity a danger to humans. One can only suppose at this point that it has something to do with living in Mexico. Gods knows how bad I get that problem in Tijuana.

One thing, one bloody goddamed thing that stands out about this movie and makes me irritated that I have to include it: 8 minutes of the film, just before the final 2 minutes of it. Not the precise “ending” per se, but the-scene-before-the-dead-last-scene climax of the film. And I want you all to read this, because a week after seeing the film in a sneak preview, it's still on my mind:

IT'S AMAZING

It captured, held and uplifted my imagination more than the entire rest of the film could have ever hoped to do. In fact, it was so good…I’m not going to spoil it for you. I’ll only say this: When they get to the gas station across the American border & call for help, pay attention; Shit Is About To Happen. And it’s amazing the way that good sci-fi should be. It doesn’t quite redeem the film, but combined with a couple of other scenes (watch for the old shopping-cart lady!) I didn’t feel like I had been cheated out of my time and money at the end.

Although, in the interest of fairness, I have to say it: The ending is nothing more than a huge “WTF?” when the credits roll. I found myself repeating the same line many of my previous girlfriends uttered when I rolled off them in a sweaty, blissful, post-coitus slumber…”Was that it?”

Bottom line: I can't really recommend you see this in theaters. It's worth a rental, definitely, but that's as far as I can go with "Monsters". Ultimately, this isn’t a love story, a suspense thriller, an "E.T."-ish understanding between aliens and mankind, a coming-of-age tale or some sort of special effects hybrid. It’s almost just the story of two emotionally unavailable young adults who don’t bathe for almost a week trekking through the South American jungle in hopes of not getting eaten by giant space squids we hardly ever see whilst making almost every imaginable mistake in the book and surviving by nothing more than the luck of fools. They eventually make it through no fault of their own, something awesome happens, and the U.S. Army shows up. Also, they never fuck.

But that takes up too much room on a marquee poster.