Moonshiners

"Let me tell the story,

I can tell it all

About the mountain boy

Who ran illegal alcohol"

Robert Mitchum, "The Ballad of Thunder Road"

I love watching "Moonshiners". It's my version of Real Housewives, Survivor, or whatever reality-bullshit programming everyone else is into. Every episode is like "There, but for the grace of God, go I".

I knock South Carolina quite a bit, but to be honest, there was a lot more good than bad…the bad times were just much more in-your-face, I guess. But I knew many of these people ('shiners, not the stars of the program!), grew up around it, and drank some shine when I was too young to be anywhere near it. I have to admit, watching this show – and hearing that southern drawl, with the long-stretched syllables and every sentence ending in a question mark – reminds me an awful lot of where home used to be.

I can never tell if the people running the 'shine are actually in the business of liquor production, or some arcane attempt to out-stupid each other. No, seriously, they seem to be deadlocked in a desperate race to see who can do the absolute dumbest move first, and get arrested for it. Season one ended with two of the most ignorant 'shiners losing thousands of dollars to a poorly-devised underground still, and a couple more were arrested right off the road – having been stalked by the Sheriff's Dept. for the better part of a month, and not suspecting it.

When I worked in a pizza parlor, one of the most annoying customer calls we would get usually went along these lines;

"Hello, Soni's Pizza, can I help you?"

"Hey, yeah! We want to order a pizza!"

"Okay, what would you like on that?"

*pause*

"Umm…hang on a sec" *off-side yell* "Hey! What do you guys want on that?!?"

"Moonshiners" is a lot like that…every three minutes. It's a repeating formula of Idea-Action-Plan-Consequences. They're the absolute kings of never thinking a plan through, and (from the comfort and safety of my couch across the country in Seattle), it's quite hilarious to see.

A typical season runs like this: When the 'shiners decide to start brewing, they look for a good hiding place near a brook or stream to supply the water. Never on their own land, and always in a well-hidden spot…No matter whose land they actually happen to be producing illegal liquor on. Then they have to procure tons of corn, sugar and a few other ingredients without arousing suspicion. And lastly…they have to construct an all-copper (or mostly-copper) still, which they'll have to destroy in a matter of days. Building is cheaper than buying, but build it too cheaply, or miss a step…and it could easily explode, taking you with it. (This is more common than you may think, as several episodes begin with a news report of someone's house going up in flames, or an entire family dying because the neglected still  in their garage went up like a time bomb.)

That's just the beginning – few 'shiners actually do their own running as well, they get a middle man for that, and that usually means cutting in an outsider on the action. And after all that, there's still the chance that someone's been tracking, tailing or waiting for you, watching for the moment to steal your 'shine, hijack your deal or lock you up. This happens about every three episodes. Moonshining is, if nothing else, a cutthroat business from the first minute you begin gathering materials until the last drop is sold. You're never safe, you're never clear, and every day is spent looking over your shoulder.

This seems like a hell of a lot of work for a couple thousand dollars per month (what could easily be attained working the fry station at the local Burger King), but when you realize that the majority of these people don't live off much more than $500 a month…it adds up. Two weeks worth of work, and you can stay stoned for the rest of the month.

 One of the people on the show who really rings true, above all the rednecky ding dongs, is Jim Tom. I watch Moonshiners solely because of this man. He's a walking encyclopedia of distillery, smuggling, construction and wisdom…which has helped many a 'shiner on the show. I love listening to his folksy wisdom at the start of each program, "A bushel 'a roastin ears'll feed a family of five with 'taters fer a munth or longer" (Translation: A single run of corn mash liquor will pay for your families' groceries for a few weeks.)

Jim Tom's custom made stills are highly sought-after, and looking at one makes me almost wish I was running 'shine as well.

Almost.

Between still construction, mash fermentation, bootleggin' & law-duckin', it just seems too much  like work for me.