Indonesian proverb; "Don't cut your own throat with my knife"
Don't make an enemy of a friend.
Since you're monitoring my page, I'm going to answer you here - once, and nothing more. I've been ignoring your insults, threats, and the dozens of attempts to continue attempting to contact me, despite my repeatedly telling you to fuck off.
This is the only answer you'll get from me.
I do indeed owe you a great deal. You were instrumental in the change in my life that has brought me back to not only being my old self, but propelled me forward to being greater than I was. You were the second greatest teacher I ever had - the first being the woman who taught me to read. Far better than any mentor, Sifu, instructor or guru.
I am a better person because you were in my life at the darkest hour I have ever known. There are maybe three people who have known me longer than you, and we have shared a journey through life that I still remember fondly. We have shed blood for and because of each other. We have seen each other through amazing relationships, bitter breakups, the ebb and flow of life events and time itself.
But your IFF radar is broken. You can't distinguish between a friend who wants to help you heal, and an enemy who wants you dead. Your bitterness over your own pitfalls in life, coupled with your illness, has made you a toxic, resentful ass, who has pushed away everyone who loved him. You demand respect for your insane conspiracies, and attack anyone who disagrees with you. You attack me because I can stand up to you where most people won't.
I recognize this behavior - I was there myself, with my spinal injury, and I hurt a lot of people who were loved me as well. Many of those people aren't speaking to me anymore, and without using the mitigating circumstances as an excuse...I only have myself to blame.
I wanted to help you the way you helped me. I owe you greatly, through my surgery, my divorce, that horrible time with Michelle, and dealing with being alone for the first time in my life - you lifted me when I couldn't carry myself. You taught me how to find my life again, to set boundaries and recognize destructive behavior patterns. You changed me. I hoped I could do the same for you.
I can't. Whatever your problem is, wherever this hatred of me stems from, I don't have the tools nor the ability to work you through it. Ultimately, I had to do the hardest work myself, and you will have to do the same.
Even now, I won't despise you. I can't. You gave me the gift of self respect again, taught me to be strong again, you built me from a broken toy to a living human. I won't dress you down publicly, I won't list all the dirty secrets and character flaws I know about you. I'm publishing the comments to my blog that YOU made - you wanted this seen, well, here it is. Your words in living color, for all the world to read, as YOU wanted it. I won't show them the emails, text messages and things you wrote about me, to me, as hateful and toxic as you could possibly be.
Because I don't wish anything hateful on you. As I said, I see some of my old self in your behavior, I know how pain and suffering can break a man. Even as I got better, I could see you getting worse. As I learned to stand again, you were falling further to the floor. I knew we were at the end of our road, but my love and gratitude towards you compelled me to tolerate your increasingly toxic behavior, until at last, I had to learn your final lesson to me:
You must leave the table when respect is no longer being served.
I wish you could see me now, I wish I could show you how different I am, even from a year ago. I want to tell you how I discovered myself again, how my depression has lifted, how most of the rules I now live by were either directly from your teachings, or evolved (how you hated that word) from them to something more. I want to tell you about all the things I have discovered about myself, that I never recognized, or even knew existed before.
I want to show you the person I became, thanks to you.
But one thing I truly am grateful for, is that I never became you.
The very worst wish I could curse you with is nothing compared to your life and the pain you live with right now. I survived my hell, but you will die with yours, and even as I write that, I only feel pity for you. I have moved on with my life, and found both peace and happiness in the living of it. I wouldn't have gotten here without you, and I'm sorry you can't be here with me now to share it.
If miracles existed, I would pray for you to have one. All I can do is say, no matter what you think of me, I will always have love for you until the day I die.
The words of Mercury are harsh after the songs of Apollo.
You, that way.
We, this.
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