My wife came home from a baby shower today & immediately ran for the refrigerator & started cooking. I found this odd, since the understanding was that food was going to be provided for at the shower by the host. “So, baby, what’s with the pots and pans”? “Another idiot unschooled in hospitality!” she responded. Apparently, the “hosts” of the shower provided some chips with a small dip in the center for 30 people…And water. This was an all-day shower.
Whatever happened to hospitality? I was raised in two separate cultures: South Carolinian & Vietnamese. In both cultures hospitality is a staple of the lifestyle within the culture itself. Of course, southern hospitality is itself legendary, and there is a reason for this that dates as far back as the civil war: A guest in your home is to be made as comfortable as if they were a member of your immediate family. Their every need should be attended to, and if they leave your table or your company unsatisfied it is shame upon your family name. Now this may sound a little Godfather-ish, but you will actually find it to be true among many of the southeastern states. It wasn’t a “written rule” of any sort, it was just something that was instilled into us at an early age, watching our parents and relatives roll out the red carpet for friends and visitors. And no less was expected BY them when they visited others, it’s just how we lived!
The Hawaiians call natural hospitality the spirit of “Aloha”. It’s the one Hawaiian word every American child knows, yet few know what it really means. The Chinese say “Kuh-Chi”, which means “to send a guest”. If your guest has a long way to travel home, you must walk him part of the way. In Indonesia You must put out food & drink for your guest, and leave it there regardless if they take it or not. There is a term and familiarity for hospitality in almost every culture on the planet.
I frequently have people staying over at my house for whatever reason. Students, relatives, visiting friends, etc, and my wife treats everyone as if they were the long-lost relative that has just arrived from a distant land & haven’t had a bite to eat for three days. Most of my students have experienced this, as have many close friends. If you leave our house, usually you don’t have to eat for the rest of the day. But we both agree that it is seldom (if ever) reciprocated. Someone recently suggested that we ourselves didn’t know how to entertain, and that we weren’t expected to wait hand-and-foot on whomever enters our house.
Oh, but we are.
I can’t stand going over to a friend’s or relative’s house & be made to feel as if we don’t belong, or aren’t wanted. I distain being in a home that makes me wish I was anywhere else but here. You can really get nothing from the experience, and you always leave thinking: “I’ll NEVER go back to their house again!” When this happens to me, I often find myself looking for the door in about five minutes. Sometimes I won’t even say goodbye, I’ll just slip away unnoticed and let the host deal with the discomfort of knowing that I didn’t find them worthy to rate even a “Later!” Ironically, I always feel fine as I am driving away, like I’m finally doing something productive with my time, and not wasting it in a place where I wasn’t wanted anyway.
Today hospitality seems by and large forgotten about. The purpose behind hospitality is most likely a dying art. Proper hospitality makes others relax & enjoy themselves. This allows for pleasant conversation & harmony among friends. I’m not talking about the formal “how do you do?” kind of thing, but more like “take your shoes off, beer’s in the fridge, help yourself, my house is yours!” This invites your guest to open up as if he were in his own home. This is how friends are made.
It seems to me that children today just aren’t raised with this same sense of giving of themselves from within themselves. It’s really an every man for himself kind of mentality, and you can see it at simple gatherings and get-togethers: Nobody knows what the hell to do other than stand around with a beer in their hand & look nervously at each other waiting for something to happen.
The next time someone is at your house, for whatever reason, try this experiment: Think ahead to what they may need in terms of comfort and refreshment. And then do the best you can without reservation to the cost or person, to the best of your abilities. Just do it, period. I promise you that you will notice a difference in your life.
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