What I have not done

There is a special room in my house dedicated to, for lack of a better term, my life. Everything I love is usually practiced in that room: Chinese calligraphy, the study and application of computers, DVD authoring, graphic design, web design, my books that I am writing and of course my library, to name a few. The wall is decorated with some of my favorite or more meaningful weapons, and there is a fold-out futon to sit or sleep on. The far wall has a set of pictures of my teachers on it, and there are various ranks and awards all over the place. Many areas are adorned with pictures and references to the European version of chivalry and the Old Code, and several shelves have memorabilia from lots of different countries, as well as hand-carved Indonesian Garudas that keep guard over the whole thing. It is the one thing I have always wanted: A classical Chinese-style study, with some modern American touches.

Taking a cue from the tradition of the great Chinese scholars who always choose some poetic titles for their study, I have also chosen one for mine: Yupuwei Chai. For a classical Chinese name it’s a bit long, but there are lots more I have been in that are worse: Try “The Study Where You Look Up At One Thousand, Seven Hundred and Twenty Seven Storks” on for size. You wouldn’t be able to pronounce the Chinese version if I broke down for you by syllable, unless you could successfully speak Latin through a mouth full of bumble bees. Trust me on this.

Yupuwei Chai means “Have Not Done Studio”. It’s a kind of reminder to me about humility in achievement on this Earth. I got the idea from Kang Yuwei, one of China’s great reformers before the communist regime took over. “Yuwei” implies that he was destined to do many great things. “Yupuwei”, on the other hand, suggests someone who refuses to do a great many things. The name is literally “Have Not Done Studio”, although in the right hands it could be translated to say “I can’t do anything”, “I really haven’t done anything worthy”, “I am utterly worthless”, or what my calligraphy teacher mentioned (and my personal favorite) “Ancient Stupidity Hut”. You see what I have to deal with around here?!?!

You may wonder why I have chosen that name, and just what are the great many things that I have not done. Actually, that question requires a bit of heart-searching, because I hardly thought of exactly how many things I had NOT done until my teacher asked me this question. Now I’m sitting in front of my computer trying to think it out. Personally, I am a man who believes that anyone can accomplish anything, given the right motivation. Oh, I don’t mean that in the “You can do it!” up with people attitude that so many politically correct pseudo-intellectual two-faced bigots often spout, trying to motivate their crumb-snatching brat to turn the X-Box off, shut the hell up & do their homework. No, what I am talking about here is having the will & determination in your heart to look at something you can’t do, weigh yourself honestly for it’s achievability, and then decide to strive for the thing’s accomplishment NO MATTER WHAT IT COSTS YOU OF YOUR LIFE. You would be surprised how easy this becomes the more times you do it & see your efforts to at least a modicum of fruition. You would also be appalled at how many people give up & die just three feet from the finish line.

I have changed careers in my life too many times to keep track of. I have been a dancer, cook, thief, copy room manager, press operator, color output specialist, graphic designer, photolab manager, sushitori, waiter, dishwasher, tire balancer, bartender, system’s analyst and martial arts instructor to name HALF (although not in that particular order). At each job I was trying to make something better of myself than what I was in the previous job. At each opportunity I employed what I normally do when studying a new martial art: I immerse myself in the knowledge & instruction, do the best I can & let it drown me until I get so good at it, I one day just bob to the surface. Now this “bobbing to the surface” business could take years or decades. At this point, the skill (whatever skill I was shooting for) is a PART of me, ingrained and polished. To what degree I cultivate it depends on how important I think it will be to me & my future. There are styles of Kung Fu that I have trained for years that I have now deemed inferior to what I know, so I don’t work at them anymore. There are job skills that I will never use again, so I haven’t bothered to keep up with the latest version of a Martini, or which chemical goes into the developer machine at Wolf Camera & film.

But my point to all this is the attitude behind trying: If you want it bad enough, it can be yours. Just what level of incompetence are you willing to settle for?

Now, that explains what I HAVE done…And I am pretty sure that I will require God’s forgiveness for a great many among their number…But what have I not done? As I listed them before posting this, it occurred to me that many of my omissions were truly my best qualities, at least to myself. So here they are:

I have never been comfortable, smug and self-satisfied.

I have never cheated on my wife.

I have never compromised my integrity because it was convenient at the time.

I have never belittled another for their beliefs.

I have never been cool, detached and diplomatic, I am a pretty passionate person about my beliefs.

I have never been able to keep my mind from wandering in a meeting at work.

I have never pretended to like the people who dislike me.

I have never dressed in a foreign martial arts uniform and conducted myself as if I were a native of that country because I am wearing a stupid outfit that they haven’t worn for centuries, nor do I think anything of the silly people who do so.

I have never scolded my students and let them consider me a great curiosity. My students don’t have any great awe for my martial abilities, I have taught them where my power comes from.

I have never said a word that pleased my relatives, nor have I attempted to secure their admiration. I have less respect for my relatives than I do for the Khymer Rouge.

I have never written anything that would please everybody, nor have I even attempted to do so.

I have always liked a revolution, but I have always disliked the revolutionists.

I have never looked into the mirror without a creeping sense of shame.

I think I am about as moral as anybody, and if God loves me half as much as he loves the real believers, he will not send me to hell. If I don’t go to heaven, the Earth is surely doomed.