I'll be nicer when you grow a brain

I AM on planet Earth, right? Somebody? Hellooo?
So, I had quite the interesting month in February. I went to six interviews for the same job, each one over two hours long. The first was over the phone, the second was over lunch (I hate lunch interviews. You either talk and don’t eat, which forces me to eat again later, or you eat and answer questions with your mouth full. Three words: Dis-Gus-Ting.)

To be frank, I utterly annihilated the interviews. They were the best interviews I had ever given in my life. It was painfully obvious to me and everyone at the lunch interview that I was the man for the job, period. A lot of positive things were said, and there were hints at what my starting date would be. We talked salary and benefits. I mean, hell, you start talking in those terms, I figure you have made a decision.

A day went by. Then a week. Then a week and two days. In the middle of the second week, they called me back. Could I come in for another interview? And would today be too soon?

*SIGH*

To make a long story short, they pulled this same stunt every week for the month of February. Wait a week, interview, wait a week, interview. Let’s not mention the fact that by the second week I had chewed my nails to the quick. The other four interviews went progressively to higher echelons as they wore on.

I met the CTO. Fair enough, he would have been my boss.

I met the CFO. Okay, I’m the IT manager, I would do a lot of purchasing, so it makes sense.

I met the CEO. WTF??!?!? Why does this man have to get to know me? Again, bear in mind these were LOOOONG-assed interviews, and the company wasn’t that big at all. Surely the CEO has more important things on his plate than a one-on-one session with the resident computer geek.

On the last interview (I was starting to think I’d have to meet the friggin’ janitor after this) I got a curveball.

“Bobbe, we like you a lot. We want to make sure we’re making the right choice here, and that you’ll be a good fit within the company. What are your thoughts on that?”

See, I’ve been asked this before, lots of times. The paragraph below is almost verbatim what my actual answer was, and it’s truly how I feel. Because I’m a computer guy people think that I should be called when the lightbulb burned out (umm, no, that’s building maintenance) when the toilet’s backed up (wrong again, that’s janitorial) when the power goes out (maybe if it’s in the server room, but during one of our famous windstorms? THAT WOULD BE GOD, NOT ME).

Bobbe: “Well, like any office setting that requires daily interaction between people of widely diverse backgrounds and skills, I believe you have to have a sense of humor and a thick skin. Particularly in I.T., because it’s always my fault when the lights flicker or something electrical breaks. Ultimately, I’m here to do a job. So are you. Office politics occur no matter what, and there will always be people I don’t get along with, and those who just don’t get along with me. You move beyond that, and don’t let it affect your job performance.”

“Great, that’s just what we like to hear!” At this point, I’m thinking they’ll finally give me my damn start date. “Would you do us a favor? Could you please go to this web address and take a small personality test for us?”

What. The. Fuck.

A personality test? What’s that supposed to prove? Didn’t I just go through a damn MONTH of interviews with you guys? What can you learn about me from a questionnaire that you don’t already have in front of you?

I soon learned the answer: Nothing. In fact, you denigrate what you have learned from me in person.

The test they asked me to take was the Personal Values Index, something like the Kobayashi Maru without the obligatory Klingon attack across the Neutral Zone. The PVI is 150 questions dredged up from God knows where based on God knows what, to evaluate what kind of “Real Person” (their words) you are.

Uh-huh. You all see what’s coming, right?

I take the test, feeling a little cheap and greasy, like one of those carnival ride ticket-takers that haven’t bathed in a week. Those are my actual answers, by the way, but give me a little latitude. The questions are unreal;

# 24 - “You find a wallet with two $10.00 bills in it, and no identification. Do you turn it in?”

To where? Where am I? In a desert? In someone’s house? In a restaurant, a theatre, WHAT? Am I homeless? Rich? Define your terms.

#103 - “Which of the following answers best describes you?

I am an impulsive person, I don’t like to wait for others.

I am a patient person, I like to help others.

I am an honest person, you can trust me with important projects.

I am a dishonest person, I will put my own priorities ahead of the company’s

I am a follower, I can fit in and be a team player.

I am a leader, I will be the pioneer of the company even when it isn’t conducive to company policies.”

NONE of these sentences even come close to what I am, nor do any of them apply to my line of work. Are you sure you are giving me the right test?

#142 - “If you saw a little girl playing on a lake covered in ice and it started to crack, would you run out to save her or call for help?”

Wasn’t this question in Blade Runner? Are you guys gonna shoot me if I’m a replicant?

Bear in mind, I’ve only picked a random three. All 155 questions were just as retarded, with a dash of Autism thrown in for taste. So at the end of my online sodomization and rape of my dignity, here’s my results:

Thank you Bobbe Edmonds for taking the Personal Values Index! You scores indicate that you have the following tendencies:

Your dominant Value Set is Innovator. Your secondary Value Set is Merchant. This fact causes you to act and react in ways similar to all other Innovator/Merchants. However, no two persons are truly alike. We know from the number of values you selected out of 150 values available, that you have a unique strategy for living that includes values from each of the four Value Sets.

Builder	Merchant	Innovator	Banker
17	19	22	14

Intuitive	Cognitive	Creative	Practical	Community	Independent
15	25	20	31	33	39

The INNOVATOR / MERCHANT category represents 14.28% of all people who have taken the PVI assessment.

(I only scored into the %14??)

This is from their profile of me:

The most deadly sin of Innovators is their desperate need to continue perfecting a product or system long after it would fully serve its purpose. They get hooked on a specific solution or an interesting problem long after there has been a resolution to the problem.

Active Innovators need a Builder in them or around them to insist that they settle on one solution and complete it. They need Merchants who will actually make someone else understand the value of the "solution" being sold. And they need Bankers who will support them by completing the details, help them control costs and make profits.

Innovators can be very stubborn people. They may refuse to be moved until they feel their solutions are perfected. And since they also value assessment very highly, they not only like to create a new solution, but they want to be the one who assesses its appropriateness, its correctness, its cleverness and its perfection. In fact, they are certain that no one else could ever understand all the subtlety and complexity of their solution so they hate to let others really get into it and explore, for fear they may have overlooked some small detail.

When Innovators are out of control, they get stubborn. They look for another way to go around you or to make you reconsider. They reconsider and may go on the defensive and resist making a decision. They may add another wrinkle to the equation to confuse you. They deny facts, challenge the validity or relevance of existing data, and refuse to take action, or sometimes just quit which may infuriate other value set groups.

When all else fails, Innovators resort to interrogation. They like to confuse the issue with side questions and tangents. They know how to ask questions, which are more accusation than question. They know how to get under the skin of other people, asking questions that shame and embarrass, that show the ignorance of others, or simply make others feel ignorant or confused and inadequate. Interrogation is just as powerful a strategy as the intimidation of Builders, the "Poor Me" victim caretaking role of Merchants, or the aloof, resistant, judgmental positioning of Bankers.

Decisions for an Innovator become a marathon of adding one more consideration into the equation, testing its full ramifications and announcing, "I can see how that will fit." Then, when everyone else considers the decision to have been made, the Innovator may announce another level of considerations that must be explored prior to finalizing the decision. Innovators can be infuriating to Merchants and Builders who want to move on.

But Innovator/Merchants may create as much disappointment as they do opportunity. No one can win from working with them for long, unless there are significant constraints in place, and a strong team of Builders and Bankers around them to enforce them. If you are an Innovator/Merchant, and you are reading this, you must have just a little Builder or Banker in you. Make sure you nurture that part of yourself--NOW!!!

I’ve been reading this…I’ll charitably call it an “evaluation”…for the past two weeks now. I can’t even find a syllable that relates to me. Some of you who know me will read this and wonder why I even bothered in the first place. Well, you may recall that I need a job, and until this little excursion into whatthefuckland, things had been going relatively well. See, if they had STARTED with the test, I would have told them to add it to the growing list of things they could shove up their asses, right behind my foot.

So the final week of February, they called me back. As you, my loyal and true readers have probably already surmised, the result was not pleasant. Undesirable. Less than wanted. It probably didn’t help that by this time I had given up on the job and had a ROYAL fume brewing in my stomach. They weren’t getting a month from me without a fight. I’m going down swinging, baby, like Glenn Miller.

“Bobbe, I have to say, we all feel very let down by your test results. We expected you to score much higher, based on your previous interviews and your work experience”.

Bobbe: “I find it intriguing that you expected that stupid test to discover anything about my personality, especially since it was looking several million light years in the opposite direction. There was nothing in it that reflected my previous work experience, nor the skill set required for the job I am interviewing for. What exactly was it you found disappointing?”

“Well, you scored lowest on the parts you should have the highest marks in: Intuitive, cognitive and creative. We need someone who can both achieve a high level of success within the company and gel with it’s employees at the same time. We need people who will take charge, and lead us into the future” (He was starting to sound like the author of Ecclesiastes).

Bobbe: “Do you usually find computer geeks who simultaneously fix your email and lead you into the future? Does it ever get confusing when you come to work on a Wednesday, and by the time you go to lunch it’s Sunday because that goddamned IT guy led you into the future again without sending out a memo first?”

“Thank you for your time Bobbe, but I just don’t think you’ll be a good fit”.

Bastard. As I walked back to my car, I transported his company into the future where they were bankrupt due to a hostile takeover.

Maybe the guy they eventually hire will have the skills to lead them back to the past. If they were looking for a Timelord they should have hired Doctor Who.