Turning 40

I never thought that I would get to be The creature that I always meant to be

But I thought, in spite of dreams, You'd be sitting somewhere here with me

-Pet Shop Boys "Being Boring

If you’ve been following Todd or Perry’s blog, you will have noticed that yesterday was my 40^th birthday. Which, as usual, I have desperately tried to obfuscate from everyone. Dunno why I even bother anymore.

You know what really drives me up a goddam wall sometimes? When I have Steve Perry writhing in my crushing grip of logic and reason, and he pulls out the “Age and wisdom” card. It usually goes something like:

Bobbe: “Metaphors aren’t all bad, Old Man. You can’t wave an all-encompassing dismissal across millions of literary successes. The sheer number of popular books out there overwhelm your point of view.”

Perry: “Well Kid, when YOU get to be over 60 with 50+ books to your name, I guess you’ll understand. If you live that long, that is. Until then, I’m inclined to believe I have a smidge more happening in the grey matter department than you do at the moment. Age and experience, Kid.”

No shit, that’s almost verbatim. I think it’s even on his blog, somewhere.

Age and experience.

So, as I was digging in my shoebox for a couple of “Then and Now” pictures to go with this post, I found a few choice shots that brought that argument (the one I must have had every month for the past two years with him) into a much finer focus.

I found a cache of old photos from a Jiu Jitsu demonstration I was a part of 18 years ago. The art that pretty much destroyed my back and put me in the condition I’m in now.

I can’t believe I did that. Looking at it today, it reminds me of how I lived my life back then. I was only a few years out of the orphanages, and to say that I was running wild is to grossly understate the situation.

I was feral.

I found a few photos of me when I was 23, at a time when I thought I was THE SHIT.

Looking at this picture today, there were several thought running through my mind at once, and I’ll bet they might have entered your head as well.

#1: What the hell is that kid doing on that bike?

#2: Who the fuck does he think he is?

#3: Who the hell is he trying to impress?

The answers, in descending order:

#1: Showing off

#2: Stevan Segal with a Honda

#3: The whole damn world

I’ll tell you something about that guy: You could have appeared out of a time machine, walked up and warned him about the oncoming shitstorm he was bringing on himself at the time, shown him video evidence, and HE WOULDN’T HAVE HAD THE DAMN SENSE TO BELIEVE YOU. I look at myself then & wonder how the hell I’m still alive. Wanna know why I don’t ride a motorcycle anymore? Because that one in the photo is at the bottom of the Savannah River, and I nearly went with it. Doing something stupid that could have (should have) killed me on impact. Sans helmet, of course.

Sometimes you only learn by dying.

So: 40. I am 10 years away from middle age. As sobering thoughts go, that one’s the leader of the pack. I know I’m not as old as some of you who read this blog (such as the guy who wrote “The Trinity Vector”) but I gotta say, turning 40 was a landmark in my life. Kind of like “Hey, I made it with all my fingers and toes, and no sexually transmitted diseases!!” Or something like that.

But I have a lot to be thankful for. As opposed to how I started my life, I’m now surrounded by people who care about me. At last count, 8 families have unofficially adopted me (which is ironic, considering I couldn’t get adopted when I was 8).

I have more teachers now than when I was in high school. I met a woman who is willing to put up with all my shit and still love me. Ironically, she also walks on the ground I happen to worship.

I started Kung Fu at a REALLY early age, which has made me one of the youngest people to hold the martial ranks that I do.

I’ve been a few places and trained a few things.

I’ve met good people who didn’t understand a damn word I said, but shared coffee and martial arts with me anyway.

I’ve had some amazing teachers.

I have met underage girls in foreign lands who wanted to marry me, and my only escape was to challenge them to mortal combat.

I’ve done some seriously goofy shit that I hope to God nobody filmed.

I’ve done a few things I’m not exactly overly-proud of. But I managed to live through them.

I’ve taken some lumps.

I’ve met some extraordinary people who have gone a long way in helping my mental equilibrium the past few years.

I started school with the first generation of racial integration in South Carolina (although I didn’t know it at the time.) And I see the next generation coming up, sure as anything that they know everything. I see the look in they’re eyes when I try to explain something to them. Or warn them. “Yeah, yeah, let’s get on with it already.”

I’ve lived long enough to see the future become the past. I’ve seen good friends and bitter enemies come and go. I put my past behind me, but I keep it’s lessons in front of me.

I have to be honest here, I didn't really think I would make it this far. I guess during all that scrabbling to get somewhere, I didn't notice I was actually getting somewhere.

It’s like that line in Crossroads, when Ralph Macchio’s character is getting dressed down by a real bluesman after a guitar demo: “Yeah boy, you got some lightnin’ in ‘ya, but you know what you’re missing?”

“Mileage.”

Age and experience, Kid. You only get it through living.