I've spent the past two years in varying degrees of pain - On a scale of 1 to 10, it's never been below 5. The last few months, it's never been below 7. For those of you with no pain reference, have one of your arms broken and then grind the bones together for about a week. While ramming a darning needle into a pus-filled boil that was caused from the bite of a female mouse spider. Over and over. Get back to me on how that feels.
Lately, all I seem to do is lash out at people. Doesn't matter why, I just do it. Breathing seems to set me off. Just being within a 20-mile proximity appears to do it.
I verbally hurt those around me more and more frequently every day. I make them upset, I make them resentful.
I have made a couple of them cry.
When did this happen? I have no idea. I just woke up last week and realized I was pushing everyone away from me. This shit has got to stop, period. I've stepped up the research for going overseas to get back surgery, and my DVD's are selling like cocaine-filled donuts. I'm shooting for mid-July to get this over with.
To everyone who I have ripped into the past year: I'm sorry.
Truly.
It isn't me.
5 comments:
Lately ... ?
Pain does that to people, it's insidious. I think you've done remarkably well, considering. I have been around people who go ballistic over a hangnail.
If your friends walked away because you were being a raging asslick, they wouldn't be very good friends.
Good thing that you have VERY good friends (har har).
Second what Perry said. The nobility of suffering is bullshit on toast. Chronic pain makes people miserable and grinds them down. You have done very well considering.
Good luck on the surgery.
You're always welcome to vent on me.
We still have a spare room if you want to get it done in Taipei, and the hospital where my sister-in-law works is top-notch. I hear about Thailand, Singapore, and Mexico as popular destinations for "medical tourism".
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