Kicking Comcast Ass

This is going to sound racist. Ces't la Vie. Go somewhere else if you're more in the mood for flowers and puppies today.

Something that really torques my nuts is international tech support. Since Microsquash led the charge about 10 years ago, I have constantly had to deal with some guy holding an English popular phrasebook while I try to decipher what the ding-dong hell he's trying to tell me. I have spent long nights on the phone with someone in Bangladesh trying to tell me that he thinks there's a problem with my power source, and it's slowing down my connection speed. I have wasted entire weekends arguing with some guy who has to log in using a dial-up service in Uzbekistan to tell me that Cisco catalyst switches only support PPoE and not PoE (It's two completely seperate things with similar acronyms...And by the way, Cisco Catalyst Switches support BOTH, Habib!).

Something else, if my internet connection is down, how the fuck am I supposed to log on to www.comcast.net and do troubleshooting? Seriously, someone had to read that out loud for the automated voice teller to play...They must have realized how ridiculous it sounded.

Also, if I'm calling because both my cable internet AND my Comcast On-Demand TV is down, what makes you think I would be interested in getting my phone routed through the same pipe and service that you can't provide reliably for the first two? I can almost believe its some insidious plot to take away my one ability to react when things go down...Can't complain when you can't phone it in!

I knew I was screwed when I asked the guy for my outside IP address. "I'm sorry sir, I can't tell you that." (Quickie infomercial; Your ISP both assigns and activates your outside IP Address, ergo, they should know what it is.)

Me: "Excuse me? I'm fucking PAYING for it, I'm certainly entitled to KNOW it."

Abdul: "No sir, what I mean is, I don't have any access to that information."

Me: (Starting to lose it) "YOU JUST RESET MY MODEM! HOW THE FREAK-SPANK DID YOU FIND IT WITHOUT THE OUTSIDE IP ADDRESS? A MAGIC FUCKING WAND?!?"

Achmed: "Oh, That...You mean those numbers that I used to get to your modem?"

Me: "Hang on a second, I need to kill myself before we continue this conversation."

You know who I REALLY feel sorry for? Those of you out there who have no background in I.T. whatsoever. Because it's you guys who are going to fall victim to such techno-babble booby traps as "It's your router's fault" (Which leads to "Let me transfer you to our pay-for-service dept."), "You probably have a faulty port" (Which is a lead-in for "The problem is on YOUR end, not mine. Go away") or "It's your ISP's fault" (Say what? YOU'RE my friggin' ISP, moron.) But the thing is, unless you're familiar with technospeak (most laymen aren't) you aren't going to know how to navigate this crap. And you will - and frequently DO - waste time, money & entire days of your lives just trying to get your internet to a speed comparable to that of an emaciated possum in the later stages of starvation.

I have always wanted to do this

I was going to write "Why do Internet Service Providers constantly shoot themselves in the foot when it comes to outsourcing tech support?" But honestly, the answer is glaringly obvious:

It's the bottom line. If you can pay someone in a foreign country a quarter what you would pay a person here in the states, it's just good business to do so. That is, as long as no one else is playing ball.

Seriously, I would drop Comcast in a heartbeat if something better were out there. I would consider dropping them for someone with even worse services, if they had on-site tech support that spoke English. I know a lot of other people who would as well.

The internet is how business is done these days, and there's no getting around that anymore. Just as AT&T stuck it to Southern Bell in the 80's, the Internet is sticking it to all other forms of communication. Anyone with a modicum of common sense has a bluetooth wireless headset and a phone connection through Google Chat so you can make a call to anywhere in the world - for free - on a free program. Thus far, the coordination of web technology and user interface has been similar to Ike and Tina Turner at the downside of their tumultuous marriage to each other. It's always been the outlook of IT professionals to sneer at the lesser-informed, as if IP Protocol knowledge automatically bestows an electronic knighthood on the holder of an MCSE.

Those days are long past in my book, and the company that recognizes this will have a foothold in the coming technology wave that's currently being led by the iPhone. This is the kind of company that I want to deal with, and I want to deal with it very badly indeed.

Wake up, you corporate vaginal secretions.