With You

Many of you have noticed my writing style has become more "radicalized" the past few weeks. It has, I fully cop to it, and yes, there is a reason.

I have a friend, Black guy, married to a Latina woman. The guy has been a friend of mine for years, was a student of mine once.

Former military intelligence officer, did a few tours in the Sandbox, total sci-fi nerd like me. Has a strong marriage, beautiful family. He lives in the heart of Florida, surrounded by pseudo-intellectual rednecks and "know your place, Nigger" neighbors.

In a recent conversation, this little pearl of wisdom came out; "Yeah, I was thinking of going to the store later, but it's almost dark, and I don't want me or my wife to be arrested or shot. I have to wait until tomorrow, when it's light again."

Verbatim.

I cannot, no matter how hard I try, comprehend this level of existence. It doesn't register. I have tried, ever since he said it, to reach a point where I could reply; "yes - I know exactly how you feel", but I can't get there. The words alone knock me down, and I think I'm as 'woke' as anyone out there.

This is my friend's quality of life. This is what he, presumably, has dealt with every day since birth. I've experienced racism on a few occasions, being married to a Chinese woman at one time, and preference for dark skinned women. It's insulting and irritating, but, like a said - it's only happened a couple-few times.

I grew up in redneck South Carolina, and I've SEEN this scenario played out any number of times, but - it never sank in to the degree my friend's comment did. I think because of that soporific effect White culture has, I accepted it as simply a part of life. Hey, we all have problems, right? Life is hard, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, I'm an orphan, I don't have it easy either.

And I think I'm as 'woke' as anyone out there.

I cannot.

I keep trying, I'm still even doing it NOW, but - I cannot.

I cannot imagine what it's like, living in constant fear of death, simply for being the color you are. I cannot fathom living like a goddamn vampire, just to do the weekly grocery shopping. I don't have the wherewithal to understand what it must be like for my friend, a man who I have called "brother" for over 15 years now, to wake up every morning to another day of inherent anxiety and dread of what the next 24+ hours might bring...and one day, probably will.

That one conversation, happened just a few weeks ago, was my tipping point. This man has given half his life in defense of a country that doesn't even consider him a human being. Nor his wife and children, for that matter. He has stood in front of things that I, myself, would never have done, to defend rights and privileges that he is denied, but I take for granted. He has earned a right to respect and reverence that politicians legally rob him of, but I'm given just because I won the melanin genetic lottery.

This one conversation changed me, to the degree that my spinal ordeal did. I can't go back into the Matrix, I can't retain that feeling of White comfort, and honestly, I don't want to try.

As I said before...it's just not in my blood.

So yeah - I'm radicalized. I'm not religious, but I have a faith. I'm White, but that's not my "race". I'm a straight male, but that's neither my gender, nor my sexuality.

I'm human, at this point in time, and I can contribute to the future, or die screaming for the 1950's to return.

I have skin in this game, and the world will not be this way within the reach of my arm.