Just as a narcissist must isolate their target from support, they must also surround themselves with people who will augment their attacks, whether through direct assault (verbal, physical, mental, emotional), or by actively refusing to "get involved", when a simple word would make all the difference.
We call these enablers "Flying Monkeys". They do the bidding of the narcissist, because they see him as the personification of their biases, the living embodiment of their idea of a savior. Someone who speaks for them.
A narcissist is very careful about who they choose for their army of flying monkeys. Empathy cannot exist in the ranks, for it doesn't exist in the narcissist. An empathetic, compassionate person will likely see the other point of view, sooner than later, and take their side, turning on the narcissist.
They need a careful mixture of stupidity, xenophobia, envy and particularly venom to make an effective minion. The is one final ingredient that's the most important: the undying belief that, no matter the evidence, they are never wrong.
A narcissist knows that admitting a mistake is to invite disloyalty amongst the ranks. They only time you will hear a narcissist say; "Sorry, that was *my* fault", is when it gains them a greater advantage further down the line. It's them playing the long game, betting on an outcome no one else has considered, but they already have mapped out.
I want to say that, out of all these categories, the "I don't want to get involved" crowd is the worst. With the ones who are straightforward taking the side of the narcissist, at least you know exactly what and who you're dealing with. The silent observers are the ones who could make all the difference, tip the scales, maybe save your mental health, if not end the conflict altogether by providing an objective, outside voice of reason.
But no, they put on the face of a friend while, if not actively stabbing you in the back, they don't remove the knives either. And oh, do they play the victim card when you come to the conclusion that keeping them in your life just isn't an option anymore. "He/She has lost all reason!" they cry. Feigning umbrage at your strength of will, while ignoring - usually by choice, not by innocence - the constant attacks on your character by the narcissist.
I've had more than my fair share of narcissists in my life, but even more so, silent assent flying monkeys. None of them has ever said to me; "You know, I understand why you had to cut me off, now. I get it. I should have spoken up instead of enabling your tormentor. I'm sorry for that."
I should add that, there are the occasional innocent bystanders who simply don't understand or recognize the pain you're going through that they're enabling...but that doesn't matter. Being shot by accident hurts no less than if a marksman pulled the trigger; the result is identical.
But one standout trait needs to be mentioned here as well; The silent assent flying monkey will, sooner or later, find themselves in the same situation you were in, and it will always be a mystery to them why suddenly THEIR friends have gone radio silent. They'll thrash around, cry for help, look to those they thought were the closest of friends, and it will never dawn on them that this is precisely what YOU went through.
Cutting off my silent assent flying monkey friends wasn't easy, but the further I felt myself falling into despair, anxiety and depression, the more I realized one stark truth: It's either THEM or YOU. It's like drowning in front of them, and they say; "I can see you're in trouble, I feel sorry for you. Cheery-O!" while standing right next to a life ring.
2015 was the year I'll always remember as the year I stuck my dick in a Cuisinart, set it to Frappe', and pushed the high-speed button. I left a 20 year loveless marriage to a narcissist, to an extremely toxic rebound relationship with YET ANOTHER NARCISSIST, and lost almost everything I owned in the process; my job, my car, my apartment, all my savings...everything.
And some of the people I would have thought were my closest friends, who swore they were family, who called me "brother"...were the first to join the legion of flying monkeys.
The last five years, coupled with the pandemic quarantine, have given me a lot of time to heal and understand this process. I can see the traits in other narcissists and potential flying monkeys now, almost instantly. In most cases, they do or say things that practically announce to the world who they are.
And it's easier for me now to simply walk away. Because if there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that the price of a relationship with either is never even remotely worth the supposed payoff.
It's a losing game from the word "Hello".
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